If sex is dragging in your relationship, change the game by trying something new. Move beyond the bedroom—try shower sex, climbing up the stairs or even putting on a dirty movie together.
It’s completely normal to have a low libido, especially in a long-term relationship. Here are some ways to get back your spark: 1. Boost Your Self-Confidence.
1. Boost Your Self-Confidence
Boosting your self-confidence can help you to feel more confident in your sexual performance and be more successful when it comes to sex. This can be especially important for those who struggle with low libido, as they may find it harder to get in the mood.
It’s also important to remember that the more you enjoy sex, the more often you’ll want it. So if you’re not feeling sexy in the bedroom, try changing things up by taking a sex break and doing something else that brings you pleasure and connection, like cuddling or kissing (Nagoski recommends trying the six-second kiss technique recommended by relationship therapist John Gottman).
If you both agree that you want to have more sex, then set aside some time to do it. This will help to make it less of a to-do item on the calendar and more of a fun, exciting, and intimate experience. And don’t forget to add in some playful or wild activities to keep it fresh and fun!
3. Figure Out Your Turn Ons and Turn Offs
The key to having more sex is finding what makes you physically and sexually aroused. That’s why it’s so important to know your personal turn ons and turn offs.
Romance novels, porn, role play and lingerie are great ways to put the gas on your arousal accelerator, but they won’t work if the brake is slammed on! To learn what your turn ons are, start by watching porn or other erotic media and pay close attention to the themes that get you going. You may find that certain things like power, danger, romance, safety, force and submission make you more turned on than others.
Once you’ve got a good idea of what turns you on, try to incorporate those things into your life in creative ways. For example, if you like to be playful or wild, try shower sex or making love in the living room instead of the bedroom. If you have a hard time getting it on, try some slow intimate activities that build emotional connection and physical intimacy. This will increase your confidence in the bedroom, which will ultimately lead to more sex!
4. Figure Out Your Partner’s Turn Ons and Turn Offs
If you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t always seem to be interested in sex, it’s important to communicate clearly about sexual desires. It’s not enough to simply talk about your general needs; it’s also helpful to discuss what kinds of activities, contexts and other cues turn your partner on.
A face-to-face conversation is often the best way to bring this up. You may find that your partner is ready to move forward, or you might discover some barriers they are encountering and be able to work together to climb them.
For example, if one partner is low on testosterone and/or is suffering from impotence or performance anxiety, they might need to focus more on masturbation and less on partnered sex for now. A sex therapist can help them address these issues. And if both partners want to explore alternative ways of sexing, they might need to talk about role-playing or playing out fantasy scenarios to see what works for them. Getting to the bottom of what’s really going on can be difficult, but it’s necessary if you want to have more sex.
5. Take Some Time for Yourself
Taking some time for yourself is another great way to boost your libido and help you feel more confident in the bedroom. Spend some time doing things that make you feel sensual, like wearing sexy clothes or reading romance novels or erotica. Watching porn can also be a lot of fun, and can get you and bae talking about new positions and ways to explore each other.
Remember, too, that sex can be a fun and intimate experience without going all night long. Try having sex in different places, or during the daytime, like when you’re both feeling frisky at breakfast or lunch.
Finally, it’s important to figure out why you and your partner aren’t in the mood to have sex. Sometimes, a lack of desire is a sign that there are bigger relationship issues to work through. In other cases, it could be a sign of health problems, such as vaginal dryness or pain from a medical condition. Getting a check-up and talking through these issues with your doctor is a great way to find the right solution for you.
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