Moms have a lot on their plate, so it’s not surprising that sex often is the last thing on their minds. “We live in a culture of desexualized mothers,” Marina Voron, LMFT, tells SELF.
But sex with your mom doesn’t have to be complicated. Here’s how to do it: 1. Talk to her.
1. Talk to her.
Having an open and honest conversation is the best way to start. Then, you can get any questions out of the way and work on repairing any trust issues that may have arisen.
If you’re nervous about how to talk to your mom, just remember that she’s probably more nervous than you are. Plus, she has more experience with this than you do.
It’s important to find a time when your mom isn’t busy, and to be clear that you want to have a serious conversation. Exactly what you say from there depends on your mom’s personality, her beliefs, and how she reacts to things.
It’s also best to bring up the topic yourself rather than waiting for her to raise it; that way, you’ll have control over what’s discussed and how it’s done. And, if the first discussion doesn’t go the way you hope, it’s fine to revisit the topic later. Just be sure to re-frame the conversation in a more positive light if that’s the case. For example, you could mention that you’ve already started using birth control or condoms, and ask her for help getting more.
2. Ask for her opinion.
Talking to mom about sex might seem awkward, but if you can get past that initial uncomfortable moment, she has some valuable knowledge to offer. Moms have watched American sex culture change over the years, and they’ve also witnessed the ups and downs of their own relationships.
One of the most important things your mom can teach you is about sex safety. Make sure to listen to her advice and always use protection when you’re having sex.
Your mom will probably be more likely to agree to sex with you if she feels that you’re mature enough. She’ll want to make sure you can handle the physical and emotional challenges of sex.
According to Emily, moms feel sexiest when the kids have gone to bed, she’s had a haircut recently, and her house is spotless. Keep these tips in mind the next time you ask your mother for a little sexy action.
3. Ask for her help.
Moms have a lot of wisdom to offer. They’ve seen a lot over their lifetimes: the Pill ushered in sexual revolution, the AIDS epidemic hammered home the importance of safe sex.
Talking to her is a great way to let her know you want her help. Don’t just say, “hey mom I want to fuck you.” She needs to hear a well-thought out argument about why it’s fun and more common than people think.
4. Ask for her advice.
While your gynecologist can help you with the technical ins and outs of sex, your mom knows how to get you turned on and she might even have some tips that are off the beaten path. Ultimately, she’s a woman who cares about her family and wants you to be happy—and while sex may take longer after having kids, it’s important to find a way to make time for it.
For example, Emily says she’s feeling her most sexy when the kids are in bed, she has had a recent haircut, and the house is clean. So, next time she’s stepping out of the shower with her breasts bare and nipples showing, look at her with that lusty, “I want to pleasure you” stare—it will definitely turn things up a notch.
Moms are a wealth of knowledge. Talking to yours about sex might feel awkward at first, but it’s worth the conversation. It could actually end up being quite fruitful — and even a little kinky. The moms in our lives have a lot to offer, and the advice they give us on this delicate subject can be surprisingly helpful.
5. Ask for her help.
If you have a good rapport with your mom or another maternal figure in your life, it’s not a bad idea to ask her for help when it comes to sex. But it’s important to keep in mind that her outlook on the subject may be very different from yours, and that’s okay.
It’s important for mothers to give themselves permission to have sex, too, even if they’re not quite ready to do so on their own. Countless studies have shown that a happy mother makes for a happier relationship and family, and having enough sex is a large part of feeling fulfilled.
Emily says that she usually feels her sexiest in the bedroom after the kids have gone to bed, she’s had a haircut in the last week, and the house is clean. And don’t forget — it takes a lot of energy to wash dishes, vacuum, and wipe bums, so she needs time to recharge.
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